Does the cleanliness of my room really matter that much to life? I absolutely despise how my dad thinks that just because everything's not on the floor it's not still a mess. Is it worth yelling at me about EVERY OTHER DAY? Ugh ugh ugh. Maybe it doesn't seem like this should be a big deal, but I just can't deal with my dad like at all. Could I just like, do things my own way please? My thoughts were so much more coherent a minute ago, but now not so much. I'd managed to calm down for a bit and was doing some work, and not feeling like crap and whatnot but then my dad just found it necessary to come in and ruin that. I have to get out of here. It's just like... none of this matters to life. I know how I would organize things if my dad didn't find it necessary to be a pain all the time.
He complains, also, about how he "just cleaned your room, and then you messed it up!" You know what? I didn't ask you to fucking clean my room. I asked you NOT to clean my room. And then you complain that I'm not appreciating your unwanted and unecessary actions. For the love of God, really? Honestly? Ugh. I need somewhere that's a sanctuary from all this unbelievable crappiness. I still have shit to do. It's only 8:30. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
asdf
I feel like I'm ready to explode. Everything just goes by so slowly. I want to go. I want to start doing something with my life. I got the feeling last night that Reid feels similarly from our conversation last night. i want him to be able to achieve everything he wants to, and I guess I'm impatient for him to achieve all he wants to as well. I'm really not a patient person when it comes to waiting. When it comes to people, I can be patient, but waiting, no.
I know the best way to speed up the process is to do something with my time, like homework, which will help me achieve my goals, but it just seems so pointless and it's so difficult for me to concentrate on.
I just have to get out of this place. I'm so sick of this intermediate time between summer and spring, too. If it was summer, I could get over this feeling by going kayaking, or doing something outside, but I'm stuck in here.
I want to go SOMEWHERE. The first place that pops into my mind is to see Reid or Zen (actually Zen comes first because I don't want to distract Reid from everything he has to do) but really, I'd be happy just about anywhere that is not NH.
BLAH.
I've been trying to think of how to get rid of this feeling but I can't really come up with anything. For a minute, I thought about cutting but I really feel I shouldn't do that, especially with things between me and Reid being the way they are right now; I don't want to make things worse.
(and yes, Reid, I know, I referred to you in the third person in this entry, but it is in fact meant for you to read.)
I know the best way to speed up the process is to do something with my time, like homework, which will help me achieve my goals, but it just seems so pointless and it's so difficult for me to concentrate on.
I just have to get out of this place. I'm so sick of this intermediate time between summer and spring, too. If it was summer, I could get over this feeling by going kayaking, or doing something outside, but I'm stuck in here.
I want to go SOMEWHERE. The first place that pops into my mind is to see Reid or Zen (actually Zen comes first because I don't want to distract Reid from everything he has to do) but really, I'd be happy just about anywhere that is not NH.
BLAH.
I've been trying to think of how to get rid of this feeling but I can't really come up with anything. For a minute, I thought about cutting but I really feel I shouldn't do that, especially with things between me and Reid being the way they are right now; I don't want to make things worse.
(and yes, Reid, I know, I referred to you in the third person in this entry, but it is in fact meant for you to read.)
Wow. I feel like shit now.
So I was slightly late to chorus, but it was all fun there. It was Emily's birthday so we ate some cake, and Kempster was filling in for Madelyn today so although practice was very intensive it was fun too. There was so much I thought was worth talking about that happened during it, but now I just have this overpowering feeling of being stupid and also feeling slightly annoyed.
I dropped my dad off at the health club before going to chorus and he said that he'd call me if he needed a ride home, and gave me some money if I wanted to get some food on the way home (come to think of it, I left that in the car >_>). I was really happy, because I had to go and buy something on the way home, and I was glad to have time to. Unfortunately, as soon as I was done getting food my dad called me and was like "why aren't you here yet?" as if he hadn't implied that he probably wouldn't need a ride. I didn't want him to have to go through trying to find someone to drive him home, so I assured him that I could get home in 20 minutes (even though I was in a town half an hour away) and left right away and sped 15-20 miles over the speed limit the whole way home (sometimes less depending on the area). Since it was all on rural and back roads, it was okay, but once I got into town I was still in "speeding on back roads" mode. On the way home after I'd picked him up, he commented on how there are so many cars parked along the road, and he wondered what kind of event was going on. Even though we'd established that it was definitely some kind of sports event, he kept trying to make some weird point to me and I was looking at him as I began to make a turn. I didn't slow down enough (being used to just zipping around corners on the back roads) and it would be just my luck that as I'm not paying attention to the road because my dad is talking to me about something dumb, there's another car coming and because of all the cars parked on the side of the road both I and the other car are slightly more towards the middle of the street than we would usually be. The other car swerved, and my dad yelled at me (only putting more stress into the situation, as if I hadn't realized what was going on) and I straightened out the car better. He got really mad at me and was yelling and acting as if I wasn't aware of the mistake I'd made and just kept going on about it. In reality, if he hadn't yelled at me I probably would've straightened out the car much more quickly, to the point where if would've been a normal turn. Instead, though, he did yell at me and I looked at him instead of the road and the car when he did yell, only exacerbating the situation. It's just so frustrating because I know that my dad now things much less of my driving ability even though he was the person who principally created the problem.
UGH.
I dropped my dad off at the health club before going to chorus and he said that he'd call me if he needed a ride home, and gave me some money if I wanted to get some food on the way home (come to think of it, I left that in the car >_>). I was really happy, because I had to go and buy something on the way home, and I was glad to have time to. Unfortunately, as soon as I was done getting food my dad called me and was like "why aren't you here yet?" as if he hadn't implied that he probably wouldn't need a ride. I didn't want him to have to go through trying to find someone to drive him home, so I assured him that I could get home in 20 minutes (even though I was in a town half an hour away) and left right away and sped 15-20 miles over the speed limit the whole way home (sometimes less depending on the area). Since it was all on rural and back roads, it was okay, but once I got into town I was still in "speeding on back roads" mode. On the way home after I'd picked him up, he commented on how there are so many cars parked along the road, and he wondered what kind of event was going on. Even though we'd established that it was definitely some kind of sports event, he kept trying to make some weird point to me and I was looking at him as I began to make a turn. I didn't slow down enough (being used to just zipping around corners on the back roads) and it would be just my luck that as I'm not paying attention to the road because my dad is talking to me about something dumb, there's another car coming and because of all the cars parked on the side of the road both I and the other car are slightly more towards the middle of the street than we would usually be. The other car swerved, and my dad yelled at me (only putting more stress into the situation, as if I hadn't realized what was going on) and I straightened out the car better. He got really mad at me and was yelling and acting as if I wasn't aware of the mistake I'd made and just kept going on about it. In reality, if he hadn't yelled at me I probably would've straightened out the car much more quickly, to the point where if would've been a normal turn. Instead, though, he did yell at me and I looked at him instead of the road and the car when he did yell, only exacerbating the situation. It's just so frustrating because I know that my dad now things much less of my driving ability even though he was the person who principally created the problem.
UGH.
The purpose of this blog
I've been trying really hard to think of a way that I can be less intrusive in your life, but still tell you all the things I want to tell you. For some reason, when I was trying to send you e-mails I wasn't really digging it, though, so I came up with the idea to keep a blog instead that you can read whenever. I think one of the issues as well with e-mails was that even if you read them you wouldn't necessarily reply, which I don't think is the best system.
Back before I was with you or really knew you, I blogged a lot to relieve my feelings about each day. I'm trying my hardest to think of something which can make things easier for us, and maybe this is a system that can work for me. It would be neat if you could keep one too - it doesn't have to be like mine though. Just little things like "I worked on moving stuff to the new house today" and other such things.
Sorry I'm such a butt. : ( I don't even know if this will work, but I really don't want to hold you back like I have been. I love you so much.
I'm off to chorus now.
Back before I was with you or really knew you, I blogged a lot to relieve my feelings about each day. I'm trying my hardest to think of something which can make things easier for us, and maybe this is a system that can work for me. It would be neat if you could keep one too - it doesn't have to be like mine though. Just little things like "I worked on moving stuff to the new house today" and other such things.
Sorry I'm such a butt. : ( I don't even know if this will work, but I really don't want to hold you back like I have been. I love you so much.
I'm off to chorus now.
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